What Makes Couples Therapy Work?
The Top 8 Elements that make Couples Therapy Work
Whether you’re looking for advice before starting therapy or need to troubleshoot your current progress, the following is a guide of the best client practices from a licensed provider of couples therapy in Temecula, CA, Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT. Therapy can help couples, spouses, and parents build their communication and conflict management skills, but the results are often contingent on the equal motivation and participation of clients. Ninety percent of EFT participants experience relationship improvements and over 70% also reduce their relationship distress.
The research behind these common couples therapy techniques of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman undoubtedly show strong effectiveness. But, how do you get them to work for you?
1. Effort to Practice Tools Learned in Session
The summarized answer to the frequently asked question of “does couples therapy work?” is that therapy doesn’t work unless the clients do. Therapy and relationships are a lot of work, but creating realistic and sustainable goals can help maintain momentum and progress. Couples therapy exercises learned from sessions need to be applied outside of the weekly appointments for long-term effectiveness. They are not going to be applied instinctually at the start of treatment, but showing self-compassion can help keep both partners motivated when the tools aren’t automatically used. If difficulty or confusion with the techniques is preventing their consistent practice, then speaking with the therapist will help greatly while also allowing for the use of communication tools in therapy itself.
2. Willingness to Change
A variation of the infamous lightbulb joke is that it only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. While clients and couples are definitely more complex than lightbulbs, a similar concept applies in treatment. The goals of any type of therapy are to enact change and improve functionality, but the common hesitation with this is that change can sometimes feel like admitting an inadequacy or imperfection. Behaviors, attitudes, or actions can be changed, but accepting that they are not the definition of a person is the first step to accepting that change can be helpful. The hesitation behind change is anticipated, and therapists can work with couples to motivate each partner to grow together to take care of not only each other but themselves.
3. Positive Relationship With the Therapist
Perhaps the single most important predictor of therapy effectiveness is that the clients actually like the therapist and that a good rapport is built. Searching for a therapist takes time, especially when considering factors of insurance coverage, fees, experience, and cultural competency. Therapists’ consultations and websites can help answer many potential questions, but the first few sessions are the true determination of fit. Many therapists will also offer referrals if it’s mutually decided that it’s not a good therapeutic fit, especially with the wider therapist availability for engaging in couples therapy online. However, once that rapport is built between the therapist and the couple, then the work can begin to help partners process their relationship and learn new communication tools in therapy. This rapport can also be built by communicating if it ever seems that the therapist is “choosing sides” or if their technique isn’t effective.
4. Willingness to Accept Responsibility for Your Actions
Couples therapy would be ineffective if neither partner accepted responsibility for their words, behaviors, or actions. But that does not mean that it’s easy to do! The action of accepting responsibility often has a negative connotation of being associated with admitting a moral failing or “taking the blame for a situation”. Sometimes there’s also the fear that accepting responsibility for something leads to the implication that the person’s self-worth or self-identity will be based on the completed action. While external people may have these opinions of those who accept responsibility for certain types of actions, it is not the reality! If these fears exist, then they can be worked through in therapy to facilitate and build the willingness to accept responsibility in a relationship. This will also allow partners to better focus on creating solutions to situations rather than focusing on the blame.
5. Willingness to Forgive
Moving forward from an action completed by a partner can be extremely challenging. Especially if the emotional impact of the action renders ineffective the knowledge that forgiveness is not approval. Forgiveness is also not forgetting or showing indulgence, but it can still feel that way. Acceptance is the key skill for this, and it can take multiple sessions to build that skill to enable the forgiveness of either a partner or the client themselves. Of course, there are some actions that are completely unforgivable to clients, but if each partner desires therapy, then there is a possibility that forgiveness can be worked towards and learned from for the future of the relationship.
6. Increased Positive Interactions With Partner
A couples study showed that EFT grew marital satisfaction by .39 points a week and caused improvement in 64.5% of participants. This type of progress does not happen immediately after the first session, but there should be a steady increase in positive interactions between partners. However, this is very dependent on the therapist's fit and clients’ participation. Using the skills and techniques modeled in therapy, couples can start to see improvements in communication and intimacy. This does not mean that fighting or negative interactions cease since they are part of any relationship. But, therapy can help couples who feel tired of marriage mitigate and solve situations to generate more positive and constructive interactions.
7. Willingness to Apologize
Once each partner learns to accept responsibility, then they can learn how to apologize. Apologizing takes a lot of vulnerability and can seem impossible when the ego is fighting against the client’s desire to improve their relationship. This struggle is nothing to be ashamed of, and therapists can work with each partner to find the source of the apology barrier. Partners do not have to be ready to apologize to each other in the first session, but the therapy will be most effective if they are both motivated to develop the skill and self-perception needed for apologizing.
8. Willingness to Listen to Your Partner
Listening is a very undervalued skill in both relationships and couples therapy. Listening is more than hearing a partner, it’s about being open to what they are saying and not judging the words or person. Communication tools can help each partner learn to speak assertively and constructively with compassion, but they are not effective if partners are not listening to each other. It is not easy to learn a new way of listening, but being receptive to feedback will aid in progress and better understanding between partners.
Couples Therapy in Temecula, CA
Couples therapy has been proven effective, but there is no one way that works for all couples. Therapists can tailor the treatment, but both partners need to be open to the process for it to work. It also takes a lot of patience, effort, time, and of course, love! If you are a California resident seeking couples therapy in person in Temecula or online, schedule a Free Consultation today!
