The Worst Advice Given to Couples
The healthiest relationships involve a significant amount of work, time, effort, and
occasionally, support from others. Friends and family members may at times offer
insightful advice, but it can definitely be difficult to discern what is helpful or
harmful advice without the aid of a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
As a California-based MFT licensed to provide couples or marriage counseling in
Temecula and beyond, the following is a list of the most common advice given to
couples and their helpful opposites!
1. “Having Children Will Fix Things”
Starting a family does not have a black and white outcome of either strengthening
or challenging a relationship. The shared responsibility of parenthood can help
grow intimacy and communication, while also potentially exacerbating underlying
difficulties to the point of relationship or marriage burnout. When deciding whether
to grow a family or not, couples may hear positive benefits and advice from loved ones,
but the decision needs to be considered carefully between both partners. No one in the
relationship should feel pressured to have children, and couples therapy can help both
partners feel comfortable to honestly communicate their concerns and desires about
parenthood.
2. “Healthy Couples Don’t Argue”
Arguing is a part of any healthy relationship, but it’s also a large part of many
unhealthy relationships. Without self-insight and communication tools, fights can
quickly escalate and build resentment through repetition. The resentment would
also further deter future attempts at communication causing both partners to not
feel heard or understood. The goal of couples therapy, however, is not to cease arguing
or to solve all relationship challenges, but to actively teach healthy skills and communication
tools for couples. Arguments can often be about one
thing on the surface, but through therapy, partners can
be empowered to explore the underlying reason behind
the conflict. The outcome of a fight then becomes
about finding a solution instead of finding who to
blame.
3. “Taking a Break Means the Relationship Is Over”
People often advise against taking an indefinite separation in a relationship, but
breaks can provide helpful insight and feedback depending on the process.
A break could be for the health of the relationship or the partners’ own health.
Partners may need to focus on their own respective mental health and personal
wellbeing through individual therapy, self-care, or periods of independence. This
process is nothing to be ashamed of and it may actually strengthen relationships
in the long term. However, breaks that are used to avoid conflict, confrontation,
or communication can signal a relationship challenge. Couples therapy can serve
as a way to take a supported break by exploring the root of the marriage burnout
or relationship fatigue.
4. “Divorce Is a Last Resort”
Divorce has a bad reputation as the sign of a failed relationship. Despite its
notoriety, divorce can at times be the healthiest option in a relationship,
but couples can also benefit from seeing a therapist prior to deciding.
Going to couples therapy or deciding to divorce does not mean that the couple is
weak or has committed a moral failing. Instead, it is a healthy process that can
enable partners to work together in their relationship to decide their next steps.
Whether it’s implementing communication tools for couples or working through
the steps to conclude a relationship, a licensed therapist will help both partners
understand the reality of divorce against the stigma.
5. “You’ll Change for Each Other”
This piece of advice is potentially helpful when it’s not misinterpreted.
If the foundation of a relationship is based on the idea that a partner will change
for the other, then there will be long-term challenges when the change does not
happen. However, this doesn’t mean that partners shouldn’t adapt their own
healthy behaviors and communication styles, but the changes will be most
effective when the motivation is internal instead of external from the other
partner. Relationships are not easy and they require work from both partners,
but it should be an expectation that partners take on for themselves instead
of for the other. The work could be in the form of couples therapy or the
exceedingly common individual mental health treatment that 19.2% of U.S.
adults have received in 2019.
6. “Money Problems Will Pass”
Financial challenges are a common stressor for both individuals and couples, but
their high frequency shouldn’t invalidate their impact on the health of a
relationship. Whether it’s job loss or increased work stress that’s negatively impacting a
relationship, partners need to address both the external factors and interpersonal
factors. Employment, work stress, or financial difficulties are challenging to
control or predict, but what can be controlled is how partners respond to them to
avoid reactions out of anxiety or stress. It's common for partners to project their financial
stress onto each other to temporarily relieve strong emotions in the short term while
causing long-term communication and dynamic challenges. For financial stress, the
best advice is to focus on the behaviors and actions that can be controlled, while
seeking emotional support from others or a sliding-scale therapist.
7. “The Wife Is Always Right”
The default thinking that one partner is “always right” in a relationship is an easy
way to avoid conflict, but it leads to a dysfunctional relationship dynamic.
Automatically assigning blame or avoiding communication can be tempting to a
lot of people, especially if there is an imbalance in mutual partner respect. If one
partner is more assertive and the other is more passive, then the dynamic can be
explored with a couples therapist to create more balance. Partners can also teach
each other about their own opposite dynamics to develop more empathy
between them. Additionally, a greater sense of empathy will further aid
communication to reduce instances of one partner being perceived as
always being “right”.
8. “If You Love Each Other, You’ll Make It Work”
Whether it’s the love for the children, the love for each other, or the love that
started the relationship, love is a powerful motivator for partners.
Love is essential to healthy relationships, but partners also need to be able to
listen to each other, communicate, and collaborate with each other for
relationship longevity. At times, the work needed for a relationship can precede
love if it was lost, or the work can be a result of the mutual love partners have for
each other. Feelings of love can also be separate from relationship health if there are
maladaptive patterns or unhealthy dynamics, but couples therapy can help
partners mutually determine the health of their relationship.
Couples Therapy in Temecula, Murrieta, and Online
Every couple will experience conflicts, triumphs, and stresses while also managing
input from loved ones. The challenge of balancing these external factors with both
relationship health and individual care is one of the reasons why “couples therapy
near me” is frequently searched. To receive healthy relationship support and advice
through in-person couples therapy in Temecula or through online therapy from
anywhere in CA, schedule a Free 15-Minute Consultation with Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT.