Couples Therapy after Infidelity
Can couples therapy help after infidelity?
According to a study, infidelity is experienced in up to 25% of marriages, including sexual, emotional, or action-based affairs, making it a common focus in couples therapy practices. Treatment success as a result is subjective based on motivations, goals, and mutual commitment to the recovery process after a breach of trust.
Based on years of experience in providing couples therapy in Temecula, CA, the following characteristics are predictors of treatment efficacy before and during infidelity-focused counseling.
1. Emotional Preparedness in Both Partners
Trauma after infidelity of any kind is a frequent emotional and mental response, for both partners. The partner who completed the action may have had a motive based on a mental health condition or impulsive behavior response, making the long-term effects of their actions distressing after any short-term contentedness. For the partner who has been hurt, the reactions can include anger, sadness, frustration, and anxiety around their partner’s presence.
Since couples therapy is incredibly vulnerable and intimate, both partners need to feel emotionally ready to discuss relationship dynamics, affair details, and thoughts while being in the same space together. If talking or seeing one another is triggering to the point of extreme distress for either partner, then some steps may need to be taken before engaging in effective couples therapy online or in person.
Individual therapy may be the first step needed to help address trauma, and subsequent initial individual appointments with a couples therapist can help to evaluate if both partners are equally ready emotionally.
2. Mutual Acceptance of Therapy Expectations
During consultations at Piernas Marriage & Family Therapy and other practices, counselors will review treatment expectations, and if couples can genuinely agree to them then it’s more likely they’ll benefit from the experience.
For example, one partner may expect appointments to consistently be focused on arguing or talking about only their experiences, while the other partner expects the therapist to fix their relationship without modifying their own behaviors. This disconnect encourages invalidation and repetitive themes during sessions with no constructive resolutions.
When both partners agree to explore their respective personal impacts on their relationship, as well as extensive forgiveness and atonement steps, they will be able to help themselves the most during therapy.
3. Respective and Genuine Motivations
Another way to evaluate if couples can benefit from counseling after infidelity is if they are both motivated by their own volition. Each partner must want to participate because they truly desire the process, instead of attending out of perceived family obligations, pressure from their spouse, or any other form of coercion. Likewise, intense motives to guilt, invalidate or shame the person who completed the betrayal into ending their behaviors will not be effective.
A therapist will pick up on these motivations and can work with them as they may shift over time from the first session to later ones, but if these incongruous motives persist then the outcome will be impacted.
4. Agreement on Goals
When couples agree on a therapy goal, treatment can be efficiently focused and optimized. Both partners may desire reconciliation, divorce, or the development of a polyamorous relationship. These outcome desires are subject to change based on what is healthiest for each individual, or they may be entirely unclear at the start of counseling.
Disagreement on future goals is also normal and does not automatically exclude partners from a positive couples therapy experience. However, in cases where personal goals are in vehement opposition, such as an open relationship objective against a divorce desire, partners need to seriously consider if couples therapy would be beneficial and their best course of action. Counselors can absolutely engage partners in couples therapy exercises to navigate these differences, but they cannot decide what’s ultimately the best goal for each individual.
5. Commitment to Work Within the Relationship
Similar to the reality that therapists alone cannot heal relationships, 50 minutes a week cannot yield results unless partners are committed to doing the work outside of the office.
The ultimate goal of infidelity-focused couples therapy, whether in person in Temecula or online, is to identify the reason behind the behavior as it relates to the relationship. For instance, individual factors may play an immense part in the decision to engage in affairs or other deceitful actions, but relationship factors such as sexual needs and emotional passion, are the main focus. Couples that consistently attend appointments and are actively engaged in sessions receive the most value.
Commitment to using skills, practices, and communication tools both in therapy and at home to work through affective and interpersonal relationship challenges is a positive indicator that couples counseling will work long-term.
6. Commitment to Work Within Individual Development
Individual factors outside of the scope of relationship dynamics can include substance use conditions, medical causes of sexual health disorders, existing trauma, and mental health conditions. These can help explain if a partner has been sexually or emotionally unfaithful, but they are not excuses nor are they reasons to reinforce moral blame.
Licensed couples counselors can provide insight into relationship behaviors as a couple, but each partner may have challenge areas that deserve individualized support autonomous from the relationship. Individual therapy as a prerequisite or companion to couples therapy can be helpful in these cases and is a good predictor of treatment efficacy only if they are self-motivated to do the work.
If a partner is not dedicated to reducing distressing behaviors, like extramarital relations or sexual impulsivity, out of their own free will without partner obligation, then couples therapy will have limited effectiveness.
7. Shared Fit of Couples Therapy Provider
Undoubtedly, couples therapy cannot help spouses or partners after infidelity unless it feels comfortable and is accessible.
Most therapists, including Piernas Marriage & Family Therapy, offer consultations to evaluate if their experience, methods, personality, and rates are well-aligned with the goals of each couple. Additionally, with the growing prevalence and effectiveness of engaging in couples therapy online, couples need to evaluate if in-person or telehealth counseling is best for them due to transportation or comfort.
A compromise on the mode of therapy and the preferred provider is the backbone of therapy success as a couple and needs to be met before they can engage in the work.
8. Acceptance of All Possible Outcomes
Lastly, partners can assess if couples therapy can help after infidelity by reflecting on whether they can both accept any outcome from treatment. Each person may not approve of the final outcome, but it is vital they understand that counseling can end in the dissolution of their relationship, repeat occurrences of behaviors, or a progress plateau.
Initial goals may be to rebuild trust and rekindle commitment, however, there is no guarantee even if each partner is active in treatment. Once this is accepted, couples will know they’re ready to enter counseling in a way that will benefit both of them as individuals and as couples.
Infidelity-Focused Couples Therapy in Murrieta and Beyond
These are key ways to determine if couples therapy can help after an affair or deception, but they’re not the only criteria. As long as partners feel ready and are willing to make the first appointment, they can be helped.
As a licensed therapist with expertise in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman theories, Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT is here to provide online or in-person compassionate couples therapy in Temecula, Murrieta, and throughout California.